Have you ever rustled with the question: How did things get so bad? How did I get here? One day, long ago, I started thinking about the trajectory of the years gone by like a mirage. I caught myself talking to myself, and meditating about the things that had happened to me. When I did that, I figured I best talk to God while I am talking to myself.
As I sat on my chair next to my computer, I realized as I review the events of my adult life, that I have suffered quite a bit of disappointments and hardships. I realized all those hardships had changed me, influenced me to become who I am today. Then another thought came to mind: “I wonder when was the moment that I changed.” That moment when my soul just hardened, and became disillusion or numbed? I was thinking about my past, and how hard my first divorce was; yet I recovered beautifully. After that, my second separation and divorced happened as I tried to rescue my kids from an abusive relationship, only to find myself alone now with four children struggling to survive without any support. My poverty and lack of support was significant, and it was at this point something in my soul changed. The soil in my soul got bitter. My child-like faith damaged, that hope for the future was no longer there. In a bitter-soil soul, is a ground that the Bible says it can defile many. I always wondered how that happened. As I think about it, I realize that a bitter-soil soul is the perfect ground to grow hopelessness, cynicism, anger, and unbelief. While all of these things are growing, it makes it easier to grow sin, perhaps a little at first, and slowly you are being a bad influence on others, defiling many. There is that question again: How did I get to this place?